Let me preface this by saying that I consider myself somewhat of a “forward” thinker. I’m not a militant feminist, because let’s face it, that sort of mentality just encourages reverse discrimination and hate-speech against men. I happen to like men; so much in fact that I’ll sleep with them on occasion. I may not be a feminist, however, I do believe in the equal intellectual capacity of both genders. I’d like to make as much as my opposite-gendered counterpart whether I wear a suit and tie or show off my fantastic gams in a fitted pencil skirt. Anyway, back on point. Chivalry may not be dead, but it’s damn near extinct. I can’t remember the last time a guy opened the door for me. Now, I’m not talking about significant others, or those I’m courting either. I’m talking about those guys who aren’t bound by the obligation of exclusivity (and the promise of blow jobs if they behave). I’m talking about the average man. These simian creatures who parade under the guise of humans nowadays are completely devoid of manners (this goes for many women as well!). Seriously, what happened to social etiquette? I don’t recall riding an elevator in the recent past where any man has let me step in before them instead of pushing me to the side. Holding the elevator for a woman in a hurry? Forget it… unless I’m running toward it in a low cut shirt. In this circumstance, I immediately see six cuff-linked hands fly up to the door jamb. That’s right. I swear, to get anything done around here…
Anyway, gentlemen-to-be, here are some pointers to keep you from being annoying assholes. I’ve broken them into sections. Read, learn, and enjoy! And, if you’re already a gentleman (e.g., David Hall) feel free to bask in your own glory.
CLOTHING::
When it comes to pants, baggier is not better. Be careful, though – you don’t want to find yourself wandering into nut-hugger territory. Too loose? Wear a belt. It’s called underwear for a reason. Revealing your buttocks and boxers is not appealing in any setting. T-shirts are acceptable, however, they should fall just below your waist. The seam of the shoulder should always be parallel with your shoulders. For your nicer clothes, find a good tailor. When dressing up, always leave the bottom button of your vest undone. Own at least one pair of black lace-up dress shoes. Nothing beats a good hat, so long as it is removed when indoors. Ties are meant to complement a wardrobe, but they should never be a main focal point. Cufflinks when appropriate are never optional. Watches always belong on the left wrist.
SMARTS::
If reading books the size of War & Peace seems daunting, peruse different types of magazines. In addition to more “bookish” publications, find issues that cover art, architecture, design or photography. Try not to go straight to the sports section of the newspaper. Being open-minded and aware of the world around you shows class and sophistication, but avoid seeming pretentious. Be modest instead of showing off what you know. Don’t spend hours looking at pornography and trolling facebook. Spend a little while each day making yourself smarter. Learn about things out of your comfort zone. Don’t forget to remain humble about this newfound intelligence.
SOCIAL INTERACTION::
When meeting new people, always look them in the eyes and shake their hand. Don’t ever hold conversations at the same time someone else is speaking. Don't ever talk over people. Let the person finish his or her point before giving yours. In social settings, be prepared to ask questions or make statements of courtesy, like "may I help you?" or "let me get that for you" or "I'll take care of that". There are several things that should never occur in public: farting, belching, speaking too loudly, being overly demanding/offensive, or drinking heavily (well, I could never be a gentleman…). A gentleman is always in control of himself, body and mind. In conversation, don't talk about yourself at length. You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Get a basic idea of what's going on in music, sports, and politics. Study at least one piece of art extensively. In meeting new people, learn to avoid politics and religion until you know the person better. Learn how to be neutral if someone else brings it up. A simple shrug will do wonders. I cannot stress the next point enough: a gentleman never makes other people uncomfortable. Always provide correction/criticism in private and praise in public. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and the latter is not attractive in the least.
DATING::
If you initiate a dinner date or meeting, then you should expect to pay. This rule works both ways. Avoid unnecessary use of expletives in public, especially in the presence of a woman you’re seeing. Always put your napkin in your lap at dinner. Stuffing it in your shirt is grounds for getting slapped. When eating, avoid looking like a caveman. Use utensils, avoid chewing with your mouth open, and don’t leave a messy plate. When at a restaurant, always tip more than 20 percent. You never want to make other people at your table reach into their pocket to cover your cheapness. When walking, always have a woman stay on the inside of the sidewalk and on the side of parked cars in a parking lot. This protects us from harm and makes us feel safe.
CASUAL ROMANCE::
Yes, casual sex is allowed if you're a gentleman. After all, why wouldn't you want to use some of your new-found swagger to charm the ladies? Always make sure to brush your teeth, gargle, or have a breath mint before getting up close and personal. If the opportunity presents itself on the first night, don’t excitedly pull a condom out of your wallet. She’ll get the impression that you’re premeditated and will be turned off. Even if you’re having a one-night stand with a woman, be respectful. Jay-Z might brag about kicking women out five minutes after having sex with them, but he’s not having sex with your date. You are. Casual sex doesn’t have to be disrespectful. In fact, it’s more fun when it’s not.
RELATIONSHIPS::
Are things getting serious? Remember to keep doing nice things for your girlfriend when you're around her. If she's carrying something, pick it up when she puts it down and always kindly let her know by saying "oh, let me get that for you." Remember, being selfish is never attractive. There are some things you shouldn't rush to bring up in conversation. These include how hot other girls are, or anything at all of that nature. It's fine to talk about that stuff with your guy friends, but a gentleman doesn't do that. Do not talk down to women ever. It's acceptable to engage in friendly or flirtatious teasing but cruelty is not the way to go. Teasing does not mean calling them vulgar words, however. No matter how joking your tone is, it hurts a woman when a so-called "gentleman" calls them a dirty word. This rule has one exception: in the sack. Make sure she’s okay with dirty talk, though, before you start busting out the four letter words.
A gentleman can recognize when he loses a fight. Know the difference between standing up for yourself and being a fool. In the words of the immortal Kenny Rogers, “You really do need to know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em.”
Excellent post, although it's rather sad that you needed to write it! (I'm very far from perfect, but I like to think I at least try.)
ReplyDeleteI do have one minor suggestion, though. Being left-handed there's absolutely no way I can wear a watch on my left wrist. Aside from the fact that it constantly bangs into things when it's there, I can't physically do up a watch strap with my right hand. Some lefties can manage it (e.g. both Barack Obama and John McCain wear watches on their left wrists), but I hope a little leeway is allowed for those of us who are somewhat less dextrously capable. :)